Breasts, Pickles and Mood Swings
by Speedy Speck
Summary: After Tifa makes a wish, Reno starts experiencing the side effects of pregnancy...One-Shot...Written for 'The Sacred and Profane' R&R Please!


Disclaimer: Final Fantasy VII does not belong to me...however much I may like it to. I own no characters, places etc. etc. so please don't sue me! I'm a nice person :)

Author's Note: This is my twenty-sixth fanfic...And it was requested by 'The Sacred and Profane'...Hope it's good! :) PLEASE review as I really enjoy reading your views and they inspire me to get better! It would make me very very happy! Anyway stop reading this and get on with reading the fic! Hope you enjoy! :D

The red head opened his eyes slowly, noticing the pale sunlight peering through the curtains. It seemed a shame that he had to go to work. He continued to lay there for some time, attempting to convince himself to get up, but in the end it was not his mind that convinced him, but his stomach.

The Turk jumped from the bed and ran to the bathroom so quickly he just looked like a flash of red and pink. He was soon chucking up pale liquid into the toilet basin. He'd never experienced a sensation like it, his insides felt like they were on fire and he hadn't even been drinking...

_What is this...Did I eat something bad...Well I did cook dinner last night but...no that can't be it, I'm a great cook... _

He then spent a further ten minutes hanging from the toilet, every few seconds spewing up more liquid, even though he was sure he couldn't have any left in his tiny stomach.

When he was certain that his belly was now empty and he definitely had nothing left to throw up he started making his way to the kitchen. _God my back kills...must of slept funny..._ When he entered the room he noticed a note stuck to the fridge door with a couple of magnets.

*_Gone out to get more ice cream and pickles, I might visit Yuffie on the way back, have a good day at work. PS. I'm sorry about last night, didn't mean to fight, but sometimes I really feel like you just don't get what I'm going through... Love Tifa xxx*_

He smiled as he read her small delicate handwriting, before opening the fridge door and gazing at the contents, trying to decide on what to have for breakfast.

Without realising it, he'd instinctively grabbed a pot of yoghurt and some vegetable spring rolls that had been in there since the pair had gotten takeaway a week ago.

Within seconds he was dumping the greasy things into the pale pink substance. And before long he had devoured the lot. He looked down at the now empty yoghurt pot and the few crumbs left by the rolls. Now he thought about it the meal seemed a little grotesque, _God I'm getting like Tifa... _The red head chuckled to himself before a rather worried expression played across his face, ''Wait a second...''

*FLASHBACK*

His wife was raiding the fridge, after refusing to eat the dinner he'd prepared for her, because apparently she was craving something else.

When she returned to the dinner table she was holding a tub of ice cream and a jar of pickles. And before long she was tipping the small green things into the yellow icy substance.

The Turk looked at her meal in disgust, ''You'd rather eat that than the food I made?''

''Sorry sweetie, but I can't help my cravings...'' She gave him a small smile before stuffing her mouth with another pickle.

''Yo, it's all in your head! Everyone knows all that pregnancy craving stuff is all a load of bollocks...''

She looked at him furiously, ''Shut it you! You have no idea what you're talking about, being pregnant is bloody hard work!''

''Please, you just sit around stuffing your face all day, and occasionally watching the TV! The only work you do is walking to the fridge!''

Her face grew contorted with anger, ''I have terrible morning sickness, I get these horrible cravings, I get the worst back pains, I have mood swings, I can't concentrate, my boobs won't stop swelling-'' She stopped when she saw her husband was no longer concentrating on her words, rather on her chest. ''Reno...''

''Huh? Oh yeah...well frankly I think you women moan too much I mean it can't be that bad...you're all just wimps...''

''Please you wouldn't be able to stand it for a day! Let alone nine months!

''Ha! Please I so could! It would be a breeze...'' Tifa could literally see the arrogance shining in his eyes.

''I wish you did bloody know what I'm going through! Just for a day! At least then you'd stop acting like such an ass!'' Tifa raised a rather annoyed eyebrow at him before picking up her meal and walking to the living room, leaving a rather regretful Turk to eat his meal alone.

*END FLASHBACK*

_Oh bloody hell...did her wish actually come true? No wishes don't come true, stuff like that doesn't exist...you were sick because...you're ill and the back pains were obviously from sleeping in some stupid position...and the breakfast... _He again looked down at the remains of the rather strange meal, _Well that was because...you just fancied it...yeah that's it...yep...nothing wrong with you..._

It was then the Turk noticed the time on the microwave clock, ''Shit, Tseng's gunna kill me!'' He ran from the kitchen and back to his room, and within five minutes emerged wearing his Turk suit, though the shirt was still mostly unbuttoned and he only had one arm in the jacket.

''Reno you're late...again...'' Tseng looked at him with something of disappointment but also exasperation.

''Yo, sorry boss, spent a good long while emptying my guts this morning...trust me...you'd rather have me do it at home than here!'' The Turk winked at his boss,while running a hand through his unkempt hair.

Tseng just raised an eyebrow before returning to his office, but not before adding, ''You've got a lot of paper work to catch up on, you'll find it on your desk. And do up your shirt, Tifa may like your chest but we definitely don't need to see it...''

'Yo sure thing boss...'' The Turk did up his shirt, well most of it anyway before making his way to his office.

As he sat down on his chair, he felt this back give an almighty crack. ''Ah! Yo that kills...'' The red head tried to rub his spine in an attempt to ease the pain. _What is with my body today..I didn't take any drugs last night...did I?_

He'd been slowly making his way through the paper work, and was about to file the first report when he noticed some rather strange lumps sticking out from his shirt. _What the hell... _The Turk stuck his hands up the garment and began to investigate the oddities.

_...Have I got...boobs? _The red head pulled the shirt away from his chest to get a better look.

''Woah...'' To his surprise, there where his once smooth pecks had been, were two rather large, and quite tender looking breasts. He looked at them with both shock and curiosity. _Ok...this is getting weird..._

He raised an eyebrow for a few seconds before a playful smile began to creep onto his lips. _Well...while I've got them... _

A few minutes later the blonde Turk opened the door to Reno's office, ''Hey Reno T-'' She stopped when her eyes met the red head's. _Is he...fondling himself..._

Reno looked cheerfully up at the young woman, ''Yo Laney!''

Elena stood there opened mouthed for a few seconds before coming to her senses, ''Erm Tseng wanted me to check you were...what...what are you doing?'' The red head still had both hands up his shirt.

''Just you know...playing...'' He flashed her what he thought was an lovable smile, but to her it just looked creepy.

''Well erm listen...he...Tseng wants you to bring him that...file on the...reconstruction work...on erm Edge'' Elena was still pretty distracted by the rather busty looking Turk.

''Ok well I'll get it to him in a bit...was there anything else?'' He really wanted to get back to his new play things.

The blonde opened her mouth to speak but decided against it, shaking her head before turning around and leaving the office rapidly.

Reno looked on after her with a rather confused eyebrow raised,_ What was with her...hm...must be her time of the month... _

After another good five minutes of fondling himself, he decided it was probably time to take the file to Tseng.

''I would Elena I needed that file urgently, what's taken you so long?

''Yo I was just-''

''Seriously Reno you need to pull yourself together and start doing your job! Instead of messing around all the time, that's not the kind of image we Turks want-''

Tseng stopped when Reno appeared to be making some very strange sounds, ''Are you...are you crying?''

''I just...I just...I don't see why you have to shout at me all the time!'' The Turk gave a rather loud sniff before searching his pockets for a handkerchief.

''Reno...I wasn't-''

The red head now collapsed into one of the spare chairs and began to sob uncontrollably.

His boss just sat there watching the Turk before turning to his phone and pressing one of the buttons ''Rude could you please come to my office...immediately...''

When the bald Turk entered, he almost matched Tseng's expression completely.

''Sir...you called...''

Reno turned to his friend and co-worker and began burying his head in the bald Turk's chest with some force than he bumped into Tseng's desk, knocking a cup of coffee over his lunch. ''I love you so much man...you know that right? And your shades...they are just SO beautiful! Don't let anyone put them down, you got that!'' Rude didn't know what to say so he just patted Reno on the back before gently attempting to push him off.

When the red head finally freed his friend from his grasp he caught sight of Tseng throwing his soggy sandwich into the bin.

His eyes widened and soon his tears were replace with hungry curiosity, ''Yo, you gunna eat that? ''

''Erm no...'' His boss looked at the mush he'd just shoved into the metal container. ''Are you...feeling ok Reno...you've been acting somewhat...oddly...?''

''Yo, I don't know, I think it's something to do with Tifa, I think I'm experiencing pregnancy stuff...you know hormones...all that shit...but-'' The red head walked over to the bin and started picking the sandwich out. ''I mean come on...that would be crazy right?''

His fellow Turks looked from the red head to each other with very bewildered expressions.

Tseng was the first to manage to speak, ''Reno...maybe it's best you go home...you're obviously very very ill...or your mind has finally collapsed...but either way I think you need to rest...''

''Yo, whatever you say boss, these boobs were starting to really give me back ache.''

Both Rude and Tseng just raised there eyebrows at each other. And watched the red headed Turk leave the room, bin in hand.

* * *

When the Turk got home he nearly raided the entire kitchen, consuming anything and everything he came into contact with.

As he looked down at the tub of ice cream on his lap he sighed, ''This is gunna go straight to my thighs...and then Tifa won't want me any more...'' The Turk began sobbing again, while shovelling even more ice cream into his mouth.

''As if she doesn't hate me already... I mean, I've been so mean!'' Reno grabbed a tissue and blew his nose loudly. ''I'm such a wanker...Arghaha!'' The red head began sobbing into a nearby cushion.

He grabbed another spoon full of ice cream before continuing, ''I just...I just want it to stop ok! I'm sorry! I'll be more considerate! I'll tend to her every need just please make this stop! Arghahaha...''

Four hours later after Yuffie had kept her talking about the wonders of Materia, Tifa finally arrived home. Though she was surprised to find her husband sprawled on the sofa, surrounded by empty ice cream tubs, and used tissues.

_I'm not even gunna ask... _And with that the pregnant bartender waddled over to the bedroom, leaving her husband laying in the living room.

The next morning when the Turk awoke he was relieved to find no breasts, back ache, sickness, weird cravings, or extremely crazy mood swings, and though pleased by this, he felt a strong need to check on his wife.

When he entered the bedroom, he went over to her sleeping form and gently stroked black strands of hair from her face. ''I'm sorry for being a bastard...'' Tifa shifted in her sleep, and sighed softly, ''But I promise to make amends and be a better husband, for you...and our child.''

Over the course of the rest of her pregnancy the Turk really surprised the young woman. It was like he'd turned into some kind of super husband.

It was all ''Thank god your home! I've been so worried about you! Come here put your feet up, would you like a foot rub? I'll get you some tea, do you want some more pickles, how about a back massage? Maybe some more ice cream?''

She had no idea why he had suddenly become so attentive, but she sure as hell wasn't gunna complain about it.


End file.
